A new turn of events

For the past four days R has decided to put herself to bed. I'm a little shocked at this given how difficult bedtimes have been for the past almost six years.

For the first 3 years, getting her to sleep mostly involved a combination of holding her while singing and bouncing up and down for 2 or 3 hours. L and I would usually alternate days for bedtime responsibility, though in the early years, it was more a case of 2 hours of bedtime for L followed by 2 hours for me, repeat until the girl was asleep. Plus naps.

After my slipped disk L was too painful to hold for long, so bedtime became more reading plus songs. We started with exactly 3 books, then songs (usually the same 3 songs) until sleep hit after a couple of hours. After she was 4, she demanded 4 books, then songs. This started to be a challenge because this is when my eyesight started going. But she started to consistently fall asleep during certain songs, so at least the process was starting to get shorter.

Sometime around when she turned five she started to fall asleep while I read to her. Around this time I got my first pair of glasses. Which meant reading was easy again. So I would read as many books as it took for her to doze off. Usually in only an hour or two at most.

Last year we came to an agreement that she would put herself to sleep once a week, in exchange for being able to go to bed in my bed once a week. It's been hit and miss, to be honest, but she succeeded more times than not.

Recently we came to an agreement that she'd put herself to bed twice a week. The agreement involved bribery. Every night she successfully put herself to bed she'd get either a toy out of toy jail, or get a new Star Wars toy. She apparently likes this. So for the past 4 days she's been enjoying getting a toy back every day. And while I'm not keen on the idea of her having too many toys, after nearly 6 years of hours of bedtime routine, this is worth every penny.

As things stand now, one of us reads to her while she gets ready for bed. Then, we leave her to put herself to bed. She usually plays for a little bit, then reads to herself. Her reading skills have increased dramatically since the start of the year. It's fairly likely that this is the driver behind the new behaviour. That and her rediscovery of her bedtime playlist. She usually asks for the music during bedtime. Tonight she asked the music be turned off so she could sing to herself instead. I think it's working.

I suspect, like with most skills, this will work for a while, stop for a bit, and come back and forth until settling down again. I'm fine with that. I'm personally revelling in the spare extra hours of time. I've made a path in the office so I can finally reach the filing cabinet! I did my taxes and paid bills! I've built two new platforms for her spaceport. Productivity!

Singing something new

Bedtime has always been trouble. Ever since day zero it’s been hard for me to get the girl to sleep. She just has such a hard time letting go and relaxing. So much fidgeting and distractions.

When she was very young bouncing up and down helped a lot. I’d hold her in my arms and bounce with my knees, about a hundred or so times while either counting or singing. It wouldn't always work, but at least it helped my horrible horrible knees improve, at least a little. Of course I can’t do that now. She weighs too much to hold until she falls asleep.

The other trick which works to a degree was our Bowie bedtime playlist. Life on Mars was the first song she ever fell asleep to own her own volition. So we made a set of that and 5 other early Bowie songs to help her get to sleep. We've been using that with minor variations for 4 years now. The only notable change is I dropped I'm Afraid of Americans once the girl started paying attention to the lyrics. I use the playlist to measure how long it takes her to fall asleep. The worst bedtimes the playlist loops 4 or 5 times.

1. Life on Mars
2. I'm afraid of Americans
3. The Man who Sold the World
4. Space Oddity
5. Changes
6. Starman
7. Ashes to Ashes

She also likes being sung to. I've tried a number of songs over the years. There are 3 staples plus another few backup songs I use. But she's refused all of them at bedtime for several months now.

A couple of weeks ago she asked for me to sing her something I've never sung her before. I reached into my lyric-poor memory and pulled out one of the backup songs I'd not sung her since she was two, This Corrosion. She stopped me once I got to the chorus saying No. Something you've never sung to me.

So, my hindbrain just pulls out of some dark corner of my memory The Ballad of Gilligan’s Island. Which was weird, but it went down well. Sort of, her reaction was straight of Galaxy Quest - those poor people. I had to explain it was just a sea shanty and it's purely fictional.

Were you there?

No. It's just a story from before I was born.

How did they live? Did they build huts?

Yes. Huts. They lived on the Island for a number of years, but they got rescued and returned to California where they all were from. But it had all changed, and they had trouble adjusting.

Oh. Sing me another song you’ve never sung me before.

My brain was a bit more cooperative this time, and provided me a song I'd not sung her sing she was 6 months old, Enjoy the Silence. She loved it. She hugged me every time I sang All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms. And she was out like a lamp by the time I was done.

She’s asked for it again every night I’ve put her to bed since.

Though she did call it Enjoy the Patience the first time she asked for it.

And I've never had to sing it to her more than twice to get her to sleep. I've not had to put on the normal bedtime playlist once. It's scary that it works. I'm now having an easier time getting her to bed than L does, which is freaky weird. Really freaky weird. So at this point, every night I'm terrified that this time it'll fail. But I also love the fact that she loves the song so much, and squeezes me when singing along to … here in my arms… It's delightful.

I've also introduced The Sun and the Rainfall and will probably pull in other Depeche Mode songs from A Broken Frame if this starts to fail. Which it might, since I've probably jinxed it by talking about it. Still – the surprising power of Depeche Mode.

The sparkle in your eyes keeps me alive

It's kind of weird how songs take on a completely different meaning once you have children. You'll just never hear them the same again, and after a while you'll start to question if you ever actually knew what the song was all about. Is it a love song, or just swooning over an infant? Is it about dancing, sex or just playing in a bouncy castle? At this point I can't hear the lyric baby in a song without picturing it being sung to a toddler.

I pick up my daughter at nursery pretty much the same way each time. It's just after lunch. I come in the room and see her playing. Eventually she looks up at me and her eyes just shine and she smiles. And to this day the lyrics the sparkle in your eyes keeps me alive have taken on a completely different meaning. It’s shocking how much peace and solace your child can give you. Turns out that kiss-it-all-better works both ways.

Anyway, not to belabour the point, here's a smattering of lyrics and I can no longer hear without thinking about my child:

You think you're tired now, but wait until three

All I ever wanted, all I ever needed Is here in my arms

Destroy everything you touch today, destroy me this way

Oh you've got green eyes, oh you've got blue eyes, oh you've got grey eyes. And I've never met anyone quite like you before.

Grabbing hands grab all they can all for themselves after all

And that's just off the top of my head. I could probably list dozens of these here.

Upgraded girl

The girl came back from her time away not quite a completely new girl. But she's certainly much more chatty. When we left, she had a few words, but was gaining about 5 new words a day. When we stayed with L's cousin he spent a while showing her various youtube videos of cats. She combined her first two words for him when she later pointed at his computer from the hallway and said Watch cats.

That was just the start of it. Now that she's back, she'll at least try to repeat back any word you say to her. At least a couple of syllables of it. She's started on the alphabet and numbers, though she really only remembers a few of them at this point (5 and Q seem to be her favourites, though G and 6 are a close second).

Taking her to the loo is much easier, since she tells us when she needs to go. And she's only missed a few times in the past month. The downside is she's learned that if she tells us she needs to go, we'll stop what we're doing (often driving on the motorway) and take her to the loo. It seems 3 times out of 4 she just wants a change of scenery. This meant a 6 hour drive up north took over 8 hours, with us stopping every 15 minutes at one point.

We went to a music festival a in April. One of the bands had a little girl a couple of months younger, but about as developed verbally. While they were doing their sound check, the two girls played with each other. It was the cutest thing. Their girl kept shyly handing mine a stuffed tiger, which mine would play with and hand back. This was a really weird experience for me, since I've been a big fan of this band since I was a teenager listening to them on the radio on my way to school. And here I was giving them tips on ear defenders while our children played together.

They then had a little game. Their girl was wearing a shirt with cats all over it. So my girl would poke her on a cat and say cat, and the other girl would poke back and say shirt. This went back and forth for ages. Until my girl got a little pushy with her poking, and knocked the other girl over, making her cry.

I'm at least consoled by the fact that my girl expressed concern when the other girl was upset. Part concern and part confusion. I'm not sure she entirely made the connection that her rough playing caused the problem. It's something I really need to watch out for. She does sometimes slap or hit us with things – which we're very stern about telling her off for doing. But it's much worse when she does it to another, younger, baby – which rarely happens, but mostly through lack of opportunity than anything else. I'm trying to find ways to get her to, if not actually have empathy, at least behave as if she does.

Now we have tooth

The little one's first tooth has started to peek through the gums today. This comes as rather a bit of a shock being that she's not even 4 months old and we're not supped to be getting those till 6 months.

She's been showing the classic signs of teething for almost a month now. Chewing on things. Especially my fingers. And. So. Much. Drooool. We thought this would last for a while, creeping up in intensity till teeth popped out. But no.

I worry most for L's breasts. I'm hoping the wee one shows some restraint and does not start chomping. I've heard too many stories of women giving up breast feeding after the first teeth came in. It's too soon to stop now, and there are downsides to having to bottlefeed her (like having to have bottles of milk at hand whenever you leave the house – breasts are so much easier to carry around with you).

L and the baby met me for lunch today. I've been offsite away from home for 2 days, so to make up for lost time, they came to see me in the office. To my surprise, L dressed her in an outfit I wore when I was about 5 months old. It fits her perfectly. Too perfectly – was I a small baby at 5 months? or is she large at 4?

It was all rather sweet. After work, when I got home I took out the camera and started taking pictures of her in poses I'd been photographed in as a baby. Cheesy, but I had to do it. I don't mind dressing her in the intense 70s fashions of my or L's clothes. After all, my hindbrain associates childhood and new parentness with 70s fashions. I have to actively try to seek out sane styles and colours for her to wear.

After all that, Life on Mars came up on the playlist. I joked with L about feeling like DCI Sam Tyler meeting his baby self in 1973. All the while, I swayed with the little girl in time to the music till she slowly dropped off to sleep by the end of the song.

Lovely.

Another night out

Last night we went out clubbing. Not sure if it will be the last time before the little one comes, but I'm sure we won't have much time left. The wife sat down pretty much the whole time. She started on a bar stool. Eventually she ended up sitting at the desk chatting with the door staff. A nice perk of the pregnancy is even those working there didn't ask her to get up and move so they could work. The downside was that when the door lass wanted to take a few minutes for a loo break or a quick boogie, we both ended up managing the door, taking dosh, stamping hands, etc. Still it was a fun night out, even though she never got to the dance floor. I did manage to dance to a few songs. I felt I really should make the effort even since I discovered that last time I went out dancing it did wonders for my out-of-wack shoulder.

There was another pregnant woman there – which was nice to see. Usually the wife is the only one. She was only 28 weeks along, and visibly more mobile than the wife. And, of course, we had the usual chat about all things sprogly.

I do have to stop myself from thinking This could be my last night out for a while every time I do manage to go out. I really should be more optimistic. I'd much rather accidentally never go out again than to have to keep pointing out to myself I should make the most of what's before me.

The effect of music.

We went to a festival recently with lots of people we don't see very often. For most of them, this is the first time they've seen us since finding out. For others, this is where they found out. The wife wore tight clothes to especially show off her state.

The best reaction was one person, who, once she realised, stood there, mouth open, pointing and saying Aaaaaaaaaaa!

Most people secretly wondered, but did not ask until we (or someone else) broached the issue. All of them had a story about a time they'd gotten it wrong and are now very reluctant to ask.

We went out to one club night. The music was good, but it might have been too loud. The little one started squirming quite a lot, so we decided to go home. No idea if the music was annoying, uncomfortable, or if the wee one was actually really enjoying it. I can live with a bit of short term resentment on the off chance it was actually enjoying it and dancing – I'm sure foetal grudges aren't too long.

We looked up the effects of loud music online afterwards and came to the conclusion that no one has the slightest idea. Great. There goes the ability to have guilt-free fun on nights out for the next few months. Then again there was little complaining from the little one during the actual gigs we saw – only the club night.

I've decided to make an in utero playlist of music to play up until birth. The genres range from classical to current pop. No children's music. We can play loads of that after the birth. This is all interesting sounding music, that, at best will give the wee one something to listen to and stimulate all those forming neurons. At worst, I’m hoping it'll install an a priori liking for music we like.

I'm still editing and trimming the list down to remove all the really fast music. I don't want it to come out a hyper little bunny.

Another discovery: before, conversation would orbit around baby and baby things. Now conversation pulls over a chair squarely into the middle of baby, sits down and makes itself comfortable, pausing only to fetch a footstool so it can go the long haul. I don't mind talking about the pregnancy, the forthcoming child, or anything of that sort. In fact I rather enjoy it. I've learned that parents seem to love gushing about their offspring, and I'm not an exception (though, to be honest, there's nothing to actually gush about yet, unless you consider the ability to wriggle gushworthy). All that said, I do like talking about other things. I am still me after all.