So this happened

Gestation begins anew!

Well, not really begins. Began. Not quite sure when though. L is either 4 or 8 weeks pregnant. Which puts us at expecting a baby sometime in July 2017. So far, all I can say is second child is very different. Where the first pregnancy was a life changingly shocking in a I've got make some tea. Wait I don't drink tea kind of way. This one was more of a Take it in stride. Take it in stride. OMFG are we doing the right thing? feeling.

L had been feeling pregnancy symptoms for a several days now, but the timing was off. Then again, she'd been feeling symptoms off and on for a few months. So clearly her body was up to something, but that something was not incubation. Twice so far the signs were there, but the tests said no. But this time the signs were stronger, with a bladder the size of a thimble being the most telling. So yesterday morning before the school run L did a pregnancy test.

I knew keeping R in the dark about trying for another child would be challenging. But being that we'd been keeping it from friends, coworkers and family, I didn't think much about it. It just makes it harder to have all the conversations L and I need to have. And in terms of the test, unlike last time where we looked at the results together, L just came out of the loo and subtly told me to take a look on the counter.

It was positive.

But we couldn't talk about it. Just a quick discussion while over breakfast while R got dressed. L made an appointment the GP for after R's school run, and I… well, not much I could do at this point. I went to work.

We spoke on the phone after the doctor’s appointment. They told L It's your second child, and you did a test, and you said you feel pregnant, so we believe you. Expect a letter in the next few days to set up your first midwife appointment. So that's the effect of the Tory cuts then. At least last time they did their own test to reconfirm things. Now, we weren't sure how far along things were. The timing of the symptoms implied she was pregnant before this cycle's fertile period. But she'd had a period, albeit a relatively mild one. So either the symptoms where phantom and the pregnancy started about 3 weeks ago, or the period was phantom (which can happen) and it started a month before that. The GP told us to plan for the latter since it's easier to slow down the whole midwifery process than to speed it up. So I guess that means our first appointment in a week or so, and the 12 week scan late next month.

So, last night, after R was in bed we finally got a chance to talk about it. Not that there's much we can do now. Beyond We really need to clean the house and Damn, I was hoping I could finally put our nice rugs back down without risk of someone peeing on them. A new bed for R. Got to decide if we're up for a home birth or not. Clothes and nappies. But there is time.

We're doing the usual not telling people til the week 20 scan and we're sure everything is going ok. We’ve told some of the immediate family. L told her sister while R was at school. We also caught my parents and brother on Skype between American Thanksgiving dinner and dessert. I made sure the nieces and nephews were out of the room when we told them since children couldn't keep a secret if they were in a secret making factory and were given easy-attach leashes to keep their secrets from getting away.

We've not had a chance to tell L’s parents yet. That’ll be tomorrow I guess.

Remaining NCT classes

I've been quiet for a bit. It's a combination of the job and getting the house ready. She's not popped yet. Anyway, I never wrote this bit up, so I may as well do this now while I have time...

The second NCT class was a few weeks back. It went well and was a reasonably productive use of time. It was unusually hot for England and I seemed to be the only one not boiling in the room. I don't see how they could all be hot and me not - though I was sitting under the air conditioning for part of it. None of the pregnant women seemed to believe me when I said it was the coolest spot and they could have it.

The updated expectation count is 2 known girls, 3 known boys and one guess of each. I'm a little let down that we don't have the drama all the books prepared me for. I can't see how any of these couples will break up between last week and next week – perhaps the people in the book took courses longer than 3 days over two weeks? We were supposed to have eight in the class, but one couple gave birth before the first class. I'm curious if their experience will differ from anyone else's. I mean, will going on the course have made a difference?

For one of the sections we split into preggos and partners. The partners' group focussed on fatherhood and the role we'd play. The women's group more focussed on squidgy things. One father mentioned his concern with gang culture, and how he was afraid of his son being drawn in. One of the fathers was a teacher and said that it was easy enough to stay out of the gang culture as long as you didn't actively try to be part of it – which is a mixed relief.

There also was a bit of discussion in our group of how to fix all the things our parents did wrong. One person mentioned his insufficiently affectionate father, and how he wanted to change that. I mentioned how my parents told me once they were trying to fix all the things they saw wrong with how their parents raised them. I, similarly, am going to try to fix all the things I see my parents to have done wrong. I said at the time Either we will slowly move to perfection, generation after generation, or, more likely, each generation will just repeat the mistakes their grandparents made.

One couple were both women. The non-pregnant one was convinced they were having boy, and was a bit worried about the impact of not having a male influence. I mentioned that it's generally not an issue and that there's plenty of cases of men raised by one or two women who turn out perfectly well. Or at least no more screwed up than anyone else. Every family is going to be missing some aspect of some gender role. You do the best you can between you, your friends and family. I'm pretty sure someone quoted a few lines Philip Larkin's famous poem at this point, but that may have been later.

I was reminded of Patrick Macnee who was raised by two lesbians in 20s and 30s, and spoke well of the experience. From what I understand, he seems to be reasonably well adjusted. That and I'm impressed that they managed to get away with such a relationship back then.

I'm glad to see that all the group pregnancy events we've been to so far has had at least one lesbian couple. Admittedly the Meet the ISIS Midwives event at UCLH may have just had two friends rather than a couple – it's hard to tell when there's no signs of affection between them. Anyway, it's nice to live in a place where the only issue is that the course leader has to remember to say partners instead of fathers.

The next weekend was the breastfeeding workshop. It was a more air-conditioned venue, but otherwise wasn't as nice. I learned stuff, but it felt rather rushed. The course leader wasn't as friendly or forthcoming with personal anecdotes. The most interesting part was watching the video of newborns being placed on their mothers' torsos and crawling slowly by themselves into place to feed. Instincts are nice!

On a separate note, the wife is getting close to the end. A bit irritable due to all the discomfort – swollen painful hands and feet, back pains, etc etc. I don't know if that means she'll go into labour soon, or it just means she's reached the end of her tolerance. We'll see in a few days.

Home Stretch

From today we have 4 weeks to go til the due date. The wife's doing well, though the hardcore pregnancy effects are starting to take hold. Especially the feet swelling. I doubt we'll be doing much in the way of marches anytime soon. Milk production seems to be kicking off. Which means I expect more and more achey breasts.

We saw the midwife today. The wee one is head down, but not yet engaged (thank sod). Heartbeat's doing fine, she's the right bump size. So all seems good.

I'm adjusting my life a bit too. No more work travel. I'm also hoping to get my big work project done before the birth. Due date's the 22nd. Project completion on the 27th. So there is a chance. But I'm also worried that during some important meeting or workshop I'll get a phone call saying "birth in 2 hours" and I'll have to drop everything and run. We're also trying to get all the work on the flat done in time. At least get the home into a liveable state so we can fill it with baby things and stuff. In the meanwhile we're living in the dining room until all the bedroom floors are done. Fun! I've been moving all the furniture in the flat from room to room. Each time I move things I seem to be clumsier and clumsier. Cursed narrow Victorian hallways.

I keep being shocked to realise it's four weeks left. I keep thinking it's five, which is just fine. But when I remember it's four, I kinda head to panic mode. I just need to make sure I don't actually panic.

I do look forward to the kid being around, but also I do like her where she is. It's fun having a mystery wriggle-beast in the wife's belly. Plus no nappy changing yet – I'm not looking forward to that, tho I suppose I'll just deal with it when I can. I've got the intensive NCT classes starting tomorrow. I hope they do actually prepare me for what's in store. I'll be really annoyed if they're no better than reading a selection of books - they're not cheap.

More kicking

I was out of the country since Monday for work, only to get back last night. The wee one is definitely stronger now. I could feel her move before, of course – I've written enough about that here. But in the time I was away, movements are much more forceful. Last night I was a bit surprised and thought maybe something was wrong. But she's still at it today, so I don't think it's anything but her getting stronger.

It's weird. I notice things for the first time and thing wow, that's neat, only to be completely eclipsed in magnitude some time later. Several weeks ago, I finally managed to hear a faint fast heartbeat by putting my head to the wife's belly, and I thought wow, that's what they must mean when they say you can hear the heartbeat. It's really hard – it could be anything. Then starting last week when I put my head on the wife's belly the heartbeat has been clear as a bell, really easy to find and obviously a baby's heartbeat. This new movement is real. Before was just fluttering and shifting. Now she's really kicking and pushing.

There's a heartbeat

Every week we read together the various guides' descriptions of what week x holds in store for us. The week 27 description said we should be able to hear the heartbeat with a stethoscope. I decided, sod that – I'll try the ear-to-belly approach.

Success! I think I got lucky. The wee one must have been back-to-belly or something. It was the fast-beating heart I was used to hearing from the sonograms without the mechanical sounding enhancements. It sounded like a very fast beating – just like listening to a heart in a chest, only quieter and faster.

I did check that the sound was localised. I couldn't hear it elsewhere, which means it's more likely a heartbeat than a regularly-gurgling digestive tract. It really was quite exciting. It's like feeling the first kick. It's just one of those milestones that reminds you that, yes, she is pregnant and, yes, a baby is coming.

We do still occasionally get shocked by remembering that we're having a baby. And I realised today it's not likely to stop anytime soon. The wife pointed out today that in ten years we'll still probably be shocked that we have a ten-year-old. At least, for now, it's a pleasant shock, like remembering you have an unopened pint of icecream in the fridge on a hot day.

Work and labour

I've been rather silent for the past few days as real life has gotten in the way of me writing anything beyond cover letters.

I'm keeping myself quite busy with the job hunt and in bringing my skills up to date. I do wish I could have spent all this time off work after the baby is born when I could really use it. As it stands, I'm spending too much time contemplating the future rather than doing something with it. I'm still rather concerned about all the time off work I'm going to need to take. Paternity leave is only ten days, and, since I'll be too new at the job, I won't get any paid leave. And since I won't have much holiday accrued yet, I'll probably need to spend all of it just on baby.

All the stuff I've been reading lately has got me afraid of how long the wife and kid will spend in hospital. If it is two weeks, there goes all the paternity leave in one fell swoop. Unless things really go wrong, I don't want to spend my days in hospital waiting for test result after test result to see if they'll let us go home. I'm just picturing the wife and I going stir crazy with no sleep waiting for result of a blood test they took 12 hours ago to drop or go above some magic number an NHS manual considers to be healthy.

I'd voiced my concerns to the wife earlier and she asked if I'd reconsidered doing a home birth then. I though about it and then realised that at least in a hospital we only ran the risk of the staff not knowing what they were doing. At home it would be guaranteed.

The wife's superpowers were in full force last night at a house party. Various smells from foods, drinks, people, etc, were starting to annoy her, while being undetectable from everyone else. Or at least the first real day of spring here was blocking my nose enough that I wasn't able to tell at all. It was good getting out and being socialable. And even though she spent most of the party in a chair, she did noticeably have a good time.

She got a bloody nose today. Every year I can tell the first day of spring since I get my first (and often only) bloody nose of the year. I am wondering if the offspring is passing my allergies on to my wife. Is that even possible? Or is this just an oddly timed pregnancy symptom.

The little one's been moving around quite a bit lately. Today I put my cold hand on the wife's belly and I could feel it shift and squirm under the skin. I drew my hand back quickly and said I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I didn’t realise it was so cold. The wife said It's ok. Your hand isn't so cold. You can put it back. Um. I wasn't talking to you — I'd managed to offend them both in one gesture. I'm off to a good start.

And finally, words have started to take on the special birthing meaning. When I hear the word "engage” I immediately think of the proper positioning of the baby's head just before it starts coming out. And the song Express Yourself now just makes me think of lactation.

Kicking and reading

The little one was been moving around enough that even I can feel it. The wife's been giving me reports for a while of various pokings and shufflings, but I've only directly felt anything a few times. It involves a lot of me sitting there with my hand on the wife's belly waiting for something to happen. Not that I mind.

We've been reading each other things, so there's plenty of time for sitting and waiting. I've mostly been reading excerpts from From Here to Paternity and Angela Carter's Book of Fairy Tales. It's mostly for the foetal-one's benefit since it really needs to get used to hearing my voice. The former book is easy since it's just straightforward informative monologue. The latter is a bit harder since I've been using multiple voices for the dialogue in the fairy tales, in practice for reading to the baby once it's out. It's surprisingly hard to come up with new voices on the fly, especially when you have no idea how many characters the story is going to have and double especially when you can't always tell who is speaking. I often find myself forgetting what voices I used at the start of the story when throw-away characters turn out to be significant later.

Why is the prince's father now Canadian? Wasn't he Russian earlier?

Ah. Yes. You see he'd been listening to a lot of CBC while his son was captured by the witch, and it kind of rubbed off on him.

The wife, on the other hand, has been reading to me from pregnancy books and web sites. Each week she reads a Your Baby at Week x from a few different places, so we know how big it is and what organs it had this week. Last night she was reading a section from a new book which covered how to recognise when you're near and in labour.

Anyways, I seem to have gotten sidetracked. Most of the movement I've felt so far can only describe a light brushing. It kind of reminds me of the movement under the covers someone makes when they shift when sleeping (probably because that's essentially what it is). Last night was the first sudden and obvious movement that I could feel. Did you feel that? Wow. Yes. You mean that wasn't you? It felt like she'd strongly flexed a muscle. After that it settled down and went back to its subtle shifting movements. At each one I'd ask Was that —? Yup.

I was in the middle of writing a cover letter when I got distracted and started writing this. I really need to get back to applying for jobs, so I have some income when the baby arrives. It's just that it's so much easier and interesting to write about impending fatherhood than to gently segue into my ability to collaborate with external stakeholders.

I got a no from the job I interviewed for yesterday. It was for a contracting house. I strongly suspect the reason they rejected me is because I clearly stated that I will not work offsite anywhere I can't return to London every night. When I was a toddler my father worked in a different city during the week, and came home on weekends. I didn't resent him for it – in fact, it made it exciting whenever he'd come back (Daddy's home!). My mum would stuff a very sleepy and pyjamad me and my brother in the car and drive to the train station to pick him up.

It can't have been easy on my mother raising two small children by herself during the week (did we have a nanny? I vaguely recall someone else being around, but I can't remember), and it can't have been easy on my father not being around for large chunks of time. I promised myself (and my wife) that I would not do that. Not that I think it's wrong, but I personally I want to be around as much as possible for my kid's babyhood.

The beast stirs!

I felt it move!

It wasn't a kick or some other sudden obvious movement like I'd expected. It was just a slow moving along the inside of the belly. Like a light stroke.

Wow. This does make it all the more real. That and we're just about to start week 20 — we're just about halfway done. I need to start tidying up the place and making room for all the stuff we're going to have to get.

Starting to show

She's starting to have actual signs of pregnancy. The bump is starting to show – though you'd not tell if you didn't know her. The one thing that really makes it clear is that her navel is getting shallower. We didn't expect that to happen until near the end, but apparently it's happening now. This is making it obvious she's not just getting fatter – that would just make the navel get deeper. But now it's shallower. I can see the bottom of her navel for the first time. Neat.

One thing I find odd is that the uterus is hard. It's not like palpating the belly, which is soft with firmer muscle underneath. The uterus actually feels like a bit of armour under the skin – which kind of makes sense, since the foetus does need to be protected. I just always assumed before that, if people can feel their child kick, it must be soft. It's definitely not soft.

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In other news, I did what felt to be the weirdest announcement of the pregnancy so far today. We had some friends over for dinner. One of them brought up the difficulty of finding their way in a hospital. I, of course, was immediately reminded of our attempt to find the right department at UCH at our first appointment. It being a fitting anecdote, I wanted to bring it up, but needed to give that essential bit of context. I ended up saying On that note, I have an interesting story. But first, she's pregnant [much congratulations and suchlike follows] So anyway, we were at UCH trying to find the right pre-natal department…

At this point keeping it quiet is actually getting in the way. Having to delete the occasional Facebook wall post, hiding books when people come over, etc. I really do need to make a public announcement, and soon, before someone else lets the cat out of the jar for me.